Green-Eyed Monster

One of my flaws that I absolutely cannot stand and one that I struggle with the most is how jealous I can be. I have a huge problem with jealous and envy of other people. It's not something I'm proud of but it's a the truth. This year alone I have found myself being crazy jealous over a few things in particular.

Anyone who knows me well knows that I want a family of my own more than anything. For a while I thought I was heading in the right direction to someday getting said family but you know how life likes to slap us around a bit and things don't go according to plan and I ended up back at square one. Don't get me wrong I'm not trying to get married and have a kid tomorrow but it's just something that I really want to be a part of my future (and I have this weird thing about feeling old despite my young age of 22) that it kind of bothers me that my life doesn't seem to be heading in that direction at the moment.

So when I see so many people around me having babies and whatnot I get a this irrational urge to have a baby as well. Call it crazy but sometimes you just want to be included too (hey I said it was irrational). But I just can't help but get jealous when I see people with their families knowing that I want one as well.

One thing I am extremely jealous of (though I hesitate to even admit this out loud but here goes) is my best friend. She has a baby AND a husband. Talk about your green-eyed monster....and what's worse I don't know even know what I'm more jealous of the fact that she has all that or the fact that she got all that in a matter of a year. I think it's a big mix of both depending on my mood. I mean I had been in a relationship for about 6 years and I just hoped that someday we would reach that point and we were nowhere close to that, but she gets meets this guy, they fall in love and have a baby....They were living my dream!!!

Yes I know this sounds a bit dramatic and the story isn't as simple as that but still, this is what I want more than anything and it was happening right before my eyes! And what's even worse is that her husband was one of my best friend's too. We would hang out on a daily basis but once they started dating, I felt like the 3rd wheel (very awkward). I felt like I had lost 2 of my best friends without any warning and for my own sanity I had to often excuse myself from them just to try and keep my jealousy in check (which at times I failed at). I hated feeling left out and it was just kind of a weird adjustment since we all hung out together....And they seemed so happy together and I was truly happy for them but damn it if I wasn't hating on their happiness too. I wanted to be happy like that too lol.

So let's recap shall we:

1) Certain loss of Best Friends ✓

2) Best Friends get married ✓

3) Best Friends have baby ✓

Now I know their lives are not always rainbows and sunshine but when feel alone with no one and your best friends are happily together living out the dream you want for yourself, you tend to feel some kind of way and sometimes all I could see was green.

I was not happy about the way I felt towards them, in fact I often felt quite guilty because I know they didn't plan to fall in love etc., life just happens that way some times. Also, I love these people like my family....no they are my family and despite my feelings I am happy for them and wish them all the best.

However, I just feel that majority of the things I strive for never seem to work out right while others who strive towards similar things seem to have no problem and things go along just swimmingly for them. I just don't get it. Is something wrong with me? I try and try but things just don't seem to work out for me so yes I get terribly jealous when things go right for others when I feel like I'm constantly struggling. I feel like I'm being tested and failing miserably because I can't seem to get over this issue and just be happy with what I have but I'm trying to remember that "just because something isn't happening now doesn't mean it will never happen" but until then...

Everyone my name is Twix and I struggle with jealousy and envy of others :(