I Used to Have This Friend

I was cleaning my room a while back and I found a note written by a friend I used to have in high school. It said:

"I'm not a good note writer and I may never see you again after high school so from a okay friend to a good friend I hope you do good in college."

Reading this, I thought back to when I first met this person back in the 9th grade. She was a nice and even though I thought she was "something" else we became really good friends up until our Senior year of high school.

After that we were no longer friends and I can honestly say that I don't really miss being her friend. We went off to college and became something much more than merely being friends....we were sisters.

This note was written almost 6 years ago and I would have never thought that I would grow so close to someone. We've been through so much together. Ups, downs, good, bad. Things you wouldn't believe if we told you. We fuss and fight just like any other siblings but if you mess with one of us you mess with both of us. Sometimes we're so in sync that we don't even have to tell each other what we're thinking. We often have full blown conversations without saying a word, we just looked at each other and knew exactly what we're thinking.

From the vault to the net, she is the best and I love her very much, so I'm glad we're not friend anymore :) I love you sis!

The Best of 2010

I know I probably should have done this earlier but I was going through all of my blogs yesterday and decided I would choose a few that I thought were the best that I had written in 2010.

1) Great Expectations-Wednesday December 22, 2010: In this one I took a look at some of the things women expect from their men. I really enjoyed writing this one because too often you hear woman complain about their men and I was curious to see if I could potentially grasp what it might be like to bring up some of the things a man might be feeling. I'm not sure if I succeeded but I did enjoy writing it :)

2) Broke but not Broken- Tuesday November 9, 2010: I love this one because it was just off the top of my head. I hadn't planned it or anything, the idea popped in my head and I just went with it. It doesn't rhyme and I'm not sure if it will make any sense to anyone else, but I love the creativity behind it.

3) Confessions of a College Grad- Monday November 8, 2010: Now this one has to be one of my absolute favorites. Not because it was so well written, but because I just put all my feelings out there (good and bad....mostly bad) about how I personally felt about my experience as a college graduate. I wasn't trying to sugar-coat my feelings (trust me, I had done enough of that when people would ask me questions about my post graduate life) and I just "spoke my piece" if you will and it felt so good to vent about what I was thinking inside.

4) How Can You Mend a Broke Heart-Monday April 19, 2010: I like this one because anyone who knows me knows that I am a die hard fan of love...now I'm sure you're wondering what does that mean? It basically means that I am a firm believer in love conquering all. As much I love the idea of the whole fairytale happily ever after that you see in the movies, I know that 9 times out of 10 the fairytale won't happen but there are still love stories happening every day. So I wrote this one when I was discussing with a few friends wondering when our love story would take place and we were so over the waiting and heartache of it all. But then my sister dropped so heavy knowledge on us that made me think about the situation in a whole other light.

I feel that these particular blogs are the most insightful of the ones that I have and also just my personal favorites too. Which ones are your favorites of 2010?

I hope you all enjoy reading them as much as I enjoyed writing them. :)

Letter to the Editor

I don't know about you but sometimes I get 'all in my feelings' and one night I was just feeling all sorts of emotions so I decided to write a letter to myself. I didn't have any rhyme or reason I just started writing whatever came to my mind. Once I finished I was pleased with what came out and actually felt a lot better, so I signed and dated the letter in hopes on the days when I get down I can go back to it, read it and gain some kind of encouragement when I'm feeling down.

Well today was one of those days and as I re-read the letter I was actually surprised at some of the things that I had written but was glad that it served it's purpose at encouraging me so I decided that I would share it with you all in hopes that you could find something in here that you could relate to and give you some hope when you're feeling down.

Hope you like it! :)

Dear Twix,

Despite everything, you are beautiful! However, this doesn't mean you're perfect. Truth be told, you are far from it. You can be selfish, rude, and just downright annoying. You are also kind, with a sincere heart. You truly care about others in a deep way and although your timid ways and insecure feelings get you down at times, don't let them keep you down forever. You have value and are very important no matter what anyone tells you. There will be days when you'll wake up feeling on top of the world. A smile will radiate from from the inside out and you'll go through the day with high and lifted spirits. Other days you'll wake up wanting to turn right back over unwilling to get up and start the day. Some days you'll get to roll back over, throw on whatever and laze about. Most days you won't and will have to don a mask of smiles just to make it through the day. Take both types of day in stride and despite how you feel, never ever forget to thank God for allowing me to see the new day and recognize the fact that He didn't have to let you see it.

Remember that you have flaws which make you human and unique. Realize that the same feelings that make you happy and excited are the same feelings that make you vulnerable enough to make you sad, angry, or scared and that its okay to feel any combination of them at any time. Letting them show does not make you weak or silly. Your opinion counts because its yours and no one else's. Express it!

No matter how lonely you get you're never alone. God is always with you. He'll love you when you think no one else will. No matter what happens in your life God will stay by your side. Nothing will happen that He can't handle so just trust and believe in Him. Stay prayerful. Be sure to love yourself because no one ever can or will be you. You are unique and God made you you for a reason, he makes no mistakes, so don't beat yourself up when you do. He's got your back.

Feel free to learn and grow how you see fit. You only get one life so live it to the fullest. You deserve all the happiness you can stand and will need all the hope and faith to make it through good and bad days (and trust me there will be plenty of them).

Don't be afraid to admit you worry about what others think about you while at the same time, remembering the opinion you have for yourself is the one that matters the most.

Live, laugh and love. Through good and bad, happy or sad. Cry when you feel like it and when you can't let your words be like your teardrops on a page.

You're worth it. You're priceless. You're: a harmonious, chaotic mix that blends into imperfect perfection.

Just as you are

Be grateful and blessed

All my Love,

Twix

Friday September 17, 2010 4:03 a.m.

When I wrote this I wasn't necessarily going through a rough time in my life. Actually for the most part everything was seemingly good. Since that time my 'world' has turned upside down and things are completely different. I've lost a lot of things that I once held dear to me and there are moments when I just feel like giving up. Even though I didn't know this at the time I wrote this letter has really come in handy through these tough times and although it doesn't exactly fix any of the bad things that have happen in my life since then, it does let me know that these hard times will not be around forever and I have to do my part to stay strong during this time in my life. I hope I make you guys because this is no where near easy, but I still have hope that everything will work out for the best.

Sometimes You Can't

I remember when I was about 5 or 6, Bonnie Raitt was my mom's favorite artist. She listened to her all the time and I already knew most of the words to her songs. My preschool always had our class singing something for a recital or something and it really made me nervous to know that I would have to sing even if it was in a group. To prepare for such events, my mom thought singing with her would make me feel less nervous.

The song was "I Can't Make You Love Me" and although I know the song was just for practice purposes there was no way my 5 or 6 year old self could have possibly understood the dynamic of the lyrics I was singing. I know I didn't because I remember thinking this is a really pretty song. Although the attempt didn't go so well (I sang a verse then got shy when my mom and granny started making a fuss over how well I did and how easy that was, then ran off in the other room) I found myself going back to the song and truly listening to the lyrics.

I don't know if it's because of the new year or what but as I listened to the song I could almost feel the emotion that the artist put into the song. Feeling something so deeply for another person, pouring your heart out for them so they will know exactly how you feel, just to learn that they don't feel the same.....I was almost in tears and I've never been that big on being emotional either but that just hit a nerve or something. Then the song continues saying "I can't make you love me if you don't." One emotion I am very big on is love. I feel everyone needs it and everyone deserves it....and when it's one sided it really just breaks my heart. I don't know why that is but that's just how I feel.

Anyway, I know this song is probably aimed at romantic relationships but I looked at it from a friendship stand point as well. I've heard a lot of people say that it's time to leave some people in 2010 because in 2011 there is no time for the things of the past that aren't in their best interests. Sometimes in a friendship you just can't make things work out and even though you still may feel strongly about them and want them in your life they're just not best for you or they want to stay stuck in their ways and aren't willing to change. Since they're not willing to head in the same direction that you're going in, you can't make them continue on in your journey they're not willing to fit your needs or "you can't make them love you if they don't."

But from a romantic standpoint I know what this is like. No matter how badly you want someone to feel the same way for, sometimes they just don't and I think the line of "I can't make you love me if you don't" has so much strength behind it. Initially, I thought of course you can't make anyone love you but you can at least try (I'm a love advocate I just don't believe in giving up when it comes to love because life is just way too short and love can be hard to find....of course when it becomes borderline stalkerish and crazy then that's a bit too extreme...). But showing that you can have the courage to comprehend that the one you love doesn't love you and you're willing to let them go in order to find what does make them happy is just one of the best things you can give to someone.

Granted I know this hurts, I've been there and done that and being on the bad end of love's sting isn't a bowl full of sunshine and of course the pain won't leave over night but I do think that regardless of whether or not it's romantically inclined or the end of a friendship understanding that everyone won't always love you or feel the same way about how you live your life. Whether it's worth the fight to try and keep them in your life or not is up to you, but just remember that the important thing is you love yourself first and the truly important people will love you as is.

Here is original version from back in my mom's day :)

And this version is by Boyz II Men for something my generation can relate to :)

Lyrics:

Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize - don't patronize me

CHORUS: Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't

I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

CHORUS: Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't

Happy 2011!

Happy New Year! I hope that everyone's 2011 is going well so far. Mine is going well I just feel blessed to have seen another year :)

I have been listening to everyone make their resolutions for the new year and decided that I wasn't going to do that because usually I never follow through with them....so no I will not be making any new year's resolutions. I do commend all of you who are though and hope that your are successful throughout the year and wish you all the best.

So instead of having new year's resolutions I do have some personal growth ambitions that I would like to share...you see how I avoided the whole new year's resolution thing lol. With personal growth ambitions instead of new year's resolutions they can last throughout my lifetime and aren't limited to just a year. This way if I don't reach all of them or change my mind about doing any of them I won't have to feel the guilt that is associated with the dreaded resolutions and can just attribute what I learn to my personal growth...so take that new year's resolutions! lol

Personal Growth Ambitions:

1) To successfully complete my 365 Days with Jesus blog on a daily basis (this is the only one that does have the year limit but that's cool and even when I'm done I can always continue to grow in God....ooh see how the personal growth comes in to play so nicely there lol)

2) To become a better amigo, sister, daughter, just become an all around better person

3) Dust off my 7 years of French and piano experience and basically re-learn the basics because I have been severely slacking in that department for a while now. Plus some friends and I plan to Europe sometime and I don't want "where is the bathroom" and "I'm hungry" to be the only things I know how to say :)

4) Join a gym and actually go. Anyone who knows me knows I do not like to exercise at all. Many people will look at me and say that I don't need to exercise but trust me I am probably one of the most unhealthy skinny people you will ever meet. So it's mostly about a health thing for me because when you can barely run up the stairs and without being out breath that's a problem to me. So wish me luck on that endeavor :)

That's all I can think of for now. I'm sure I'll think of some more things I would like to improve later but for now that's all :)

Great Expectations

I was listening to Beyonce's "If I were a Boy" and being a female I can understand where she's coming from just wanting your man to understand how you're feeling and just to communicate and be honest with you.

Listening to the lyrics it sounds as if females were men, even for a little while, they could do a much better job at it than men do because they would take into account how a women feels and whatnot. I can honestly say nothing in the world would make me want to be a man because I've seen the intense amount of pressure that women can put on them (myself included). Society alone places such a stigma on men to be strong, supportive providers and any form of being less than that is supposedly a sign of weakness. Sure, the man is supposed to be the provider and take care of things but when did they stop being human beings like the rest of us.

Sometimes I feel that we (as women) don't take the time to understand our men. We expect the flowers and the gifts and the "I love you's," the outward showing of affection and all that good stuff but what are we willing to give in return? We get far too wrapped up in why they won't do this or that and granted I understand that some men just flat out won't do this or that and won't open up and be honest with us and that can get terribly frustrating...which in turn can lead to us nagging them, yelling at them and complaining, etc. I personally know I don't want anyone fussing or yelling at me but it just seems to come so naturally when we get upset.

But have you ever looked at a man after you've just finished unloading all your feelings about who they are and what you think of them and they've had nothing to say or just simply say ok? Doesn't that just infuriate you because it seems like they just don't care. As if they couldn't possibly begin to understand how you feel, but what about how they feel? Sometimes their silence can speak volumes. The mere fact that they stuck around to hear you out should say something. No one wants to hear how they as a person have messed up especially if it's with someone they really care about. It's very hurtful to know that what you're doing isn't good enough, especially if you thought you were doing your best.

All I'm saying is I feel we're expecting superhuman abilities from them sometimes because of what? We feel like we deserve it? We're so much better than them? Or simply because they're the man and that's what their supposed to do for their woman? Really ladies? If that's your mindset it's almost 2011 and you need to free your mind from all these stereotypes of what men should do. We really need to check our attitudes because we might not be as deserving as we think we are.

I find it funny that women can say they're independent and don't need a man. I'm not saying that's not true because we all know we can do bad all by ourselves, but what I am saying is if you have a man who is doing his best, show him some of that independence sometimes. Take him out or do something that you know he would like. Sometimes telling them that you appreciate them can be more than enough.

Please, don't misunderstand anything I am saying to be taken as women don't take care of their men because I know some women who will bend over backwards for the man they love and still feel unappreciated. Every relationship is different. This is just my opinion but I think it takes a strong man to stick by a woman who will belittle him, do nothing but fuss and complain and still tell her that he loves her.

A male friend of mine told me the other day that if a man is still around after all the things you put him through, then he cares. I went to argue that that isn't enough and that women need to hear that you care and he just shook his head. Now I've come to realize that them staying around is them telling us that they care, we just refuse to listen.

To all the men out there who daily go out with the pressures of the world on your shoulders and can come home and find it in your hearts to love a woman, kudos to you because I know we are not the easiest people to get along with. Your strength and courage (b/c women can be downright scary sometimes) are commendable and you are appreciated.

To all the women who are holding down your men like four flat tires your efforts are admired as well. You are appreciated.

To all the men who want respect from their women when they're not doing anything to warrant her respect....this blog ain't for you.

To all the women who feel like they deserve their men to treat them a certain way just because you're a woman...this blog ain't for you either.

You can't expect him to be your Superman, if you're not willing to be his Superwoman.

What in the Name of Twix?

So someone asked me the other day why is your name Twix? Well this is a good question. I've been called by many nicknames in my life time......Spongebob, Nemo, Fat Girl (which is ironic if you know me)....random stuff. I even had a man from my church call me something crazy. He totally screwed up my name...he got my last name wrong and even added a Jr. after it (I'm a female so I have no idea where he got this whole Jr. business from) Yet, even that name as become an inside joke amongst my good friends and sometimes qualifies as one of my nicknames.

But anywho....the name Twix actually came from a Myspace game that I took during my freshman year of college. You were asked these random questions to come up with your soap opera name or something like that. They asked for your favorite candy and your favorite fragrance. At the time mine responds were: Vanilla and Twix...so the game generated the name (drum roll please) Vanilla Twix.....pretty creative right lol. After I took this I thought nothing of it and I was telling my boyfriend at the time (ex-boyfriend now) about it. He thought it was funny so he started calling me Twix.

Now almost 5 years later no one calls me Twix except him and what's even weirder is that I was bored on Facebook a few weeks ago and it was a nickname quiz. The questions were random such as what is your favorite color, favorite subject, etc...no real questions that would really constitute a proper nickname but ironically when I was done I got the nickname: Twix. So apparently somewhere in the universe they want my name to be Twix so I'm just gonna go with it.