5 Random Facts About Twix

Here are just a few random facts about me

1. I wish I had a British accent

2. I hate the sound of people's feet shuffling across the carpet (it's like nails on a chalkboard to me)

3. I once made a deal w/ a friend that if we both weren't married by the time we were 25, we would marry each other....thank goodness he got married b/c I was not about to go through with that

4. I have weakness for men with muscular arms and nice lips

5. Team Jacob!!!! Enough said even though I know how it ends :)

Broke but not Broken

Pennies, nickels, quarters and dimes.....change. I'm not talking about the kind of change that Obama promised, I'm talking about that funny little jingle that plays every time I look through my wallet. All I hear is cents but it doesn't make any sense that I'm here in this predicament. You see I'm broke but I am not broken, discouraged but not lacking courage. Lost but I am not searching.....This roller coaster ride has been full of surprise and it doesn't seem like it's stopping. Through the twists and turns, the loops and the curves my heart beats and it still keeps on pumping. Though tired inside and nothing seems right there's a hope that I have been given. It's in Jesus' name that I still remain...calm....but I won't keep quiet. I'm a riot inside, a woman full of pride, a storm that is ready to rise. Everything and nothing at all. Still but not for very long. Alive preparing for the call.

Confessions of a College Grad

*Disclaimer*: Please excuse any bad language in this blog. Frustration is the polite way to put how I was feeling but nevertheless, enjoy my insight :)

The other day a friend's mother asked me "how does it feel to be a college graduate?" She asked because she was taking classes now and she expressed how happy and excited she would once it was over and wanted to know if I felt the same way since I had already graduated. Now it's been months since I graduated and to be honest I never had a certain feeling about it. During the weeks prior to graduation I would find myself walking around campus thinking about what I would feel like once it was all over but I never got any overwhelming feelings of accomplishment or anything to be excited about. Maybe I'm just strange in that way.

Sure I was happy to be finished with writing research papers and studying for tests but other than that I really didn't have an opinion about the matter. After the question was asked of me I couldn't think of an appropriate response (you know the whole gushing and excited one that most people hope for) so I simply replied that "it really hasn't hit me yet."

Although I thought of that response off of the top of my head I found it to be somewhat true. Graduating from college really has hit me yet because I still feel like the same person I was before it happened the only difference is that I don't have to do a ton homework.

Now that I've had time to think about it I do know how I feel: unaccomplished, annoyed, pissed off, pressured, stressed out, broke (which really isn't just a feeling it's a way of life for me right now) and very unhappy.

WHAT??? How can you say that? You graduated from college! Some people don't even get that opportunity and you did. How could you possibly feel this way???

I am so very glad you asked me that......

One of the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my young adult life is being a college graduate. It's like as soon as you walk across that stage and they hand you your diploma (which is just a funky ass piece of paper that say 'Welcome to Alumni Association' who btw just sent me something asking me for money....they already took enough of my money so no!) I swear people just automatically assume that is your ticket to the key of life like you're supposed to have all the answers.

And then there's the questions which go something like this:

1) What was your major?

2)What are you going to do now?

3)Have you found a job yet?

I have answered these questions a million times over the past few months and I'm sick of it. So stop asking Especially the one about having a job. For now the answer is no and it's a stab in my heart every time some asks me the dreaded question. My answer is always the same "No, I'm still looking" when I really want to say "No, are you going to give me one?"

The questions are bad enough by itself but when the same people ask me over and over I really just want to cuss them out and say "you just asked me the same damn question last week. do you hear me asking you do you wipe your ass every time you take a shit, No! so stop asking me the same stupid shit over and over" But that would be rude to tell the church people but I'm sorry that shit gets old real quick.

I know, I know if I had a job I wouldn't feel this way but after paying almost $50,000 for a piece of paper that basically says you're capable of learning (aka the Diploma), applying for jobs constantly with no success, and worst of all after spending four years away in hopes of gaining my own life and independence I had to move back home. You wanna know how I feel? Nothing but pissed the hell off.

All those years of preparing for a future that doesn't seem to exist just makes me feel like I took two steps forward and a million steps back because I'm right back where I started before college started. Actually, I don't think I was this bad off before. Times like these make me wonder why I went to college in the first place when it seems to have gotten me nowhere.

All this pressure to get a job and make something out of myself all because I graduated. I get tired of everyone assuming that I don't have a job because I'm not trying Apparently, applying my life away for jobs daily isn't enough. Apparently, people think I enjoy getting rejected or never hearing back from jobs and I'm content to just keep things the way they are. NEW FLASH we're in a recession and I'm sorry but no one is just handing jobs out unless you're a hooker on the street corner.

So please excuse me if I'm not jumping for joy at this "major milestone" but I swear these days I feel like crap and just annoyed by the way things have turned out. So that's how I feel and the next time somebody asks me I might just tell them exactly how I feel. Hopefully they'll finally leave me the hell alone.

Lost in Translation

This weekend my best friend Tippy came into town with her husband, baby and in-laws. We were all sitting around talking trying to figure out what we wanted to do that afternoon and our conversation went a little something like this:

Tippy: I want to see that new Tyler Perry movie For Colored Girls

Me: I do too

Daddy B (Tippy's dad): It's not called that, it's called Colored Girls

Tippy & I: No, it's called For Colored Girls

Daddy B: I don't know why it's definitely got more that four colored girls in the movie

(Tippy and I start laughing)

Daddy B: It should be called Six Colored Girls or Eight because it's definitely more than four

Tippy (still laughing): No not four the number for like it's for women of color

Me: Yea, it's based off of the book For Colored Girls etc.

Daddy B: Well Tyler Perry should have at least got the right number in the title

He was just messing with us and he knew what it was called but it was still funny. We didn't end up seeing the movie but I still enjoyed our time together. I love Tippy like my sister and she truly is. Although, sometimes our conversations get mixed up I loved having her around to talk and catch up on things. I can't wait until her next visit where I'm sure there will be plenty of laughs to go around.

Living in the Land of the Lost

I know it's been a while, around 7 months to be exact. When I first started this blog I was hoping to use it as a tool to be able to express myself, but then so many things happened and I kinda of forgot about it. But now I'm back....hopefully on a regular basis....hopefully.....

Anyway, in these past months I have graduated from college, became an aunt and moved back home. During the months I before I graduated.....actually before I even started college, I had it all figured out. I would go to college, graduate, get a well paying job, get married, have children....you know, live the American dream and whatnot. Sadly, I was mistaken, terribly (and sometimes miserably) mistaken.

I tried desperately to find a job before I graduated. Nothing seemed to work out. I did manage to get this job at a marketing company. I was really excited because my minor was in marketing and I really enjoyed that career field. I should have known something was up when I put my application in and they called me the same day for an interview. When I got to the place for my interview there were a lot of candidates there applying for the same job. My interview went well and I was hired.

I was excited about this because some friends and I were trying to get an apartment and needed steady jobs to qualify of course and in my interview the boss said the average earnings were $4,000 a month. Now I'm not stupid and I figured that once you were more established in the company you would earn this. Nevertheless, I was thrilled at the prospect of having a "real grown-up" job.

When I got there I saw that other people were applying for the job and I asked how many they usually hire here and an employee informed me that many people quit the job (strike 1). As the work day began one of the employees decided he need a bit of "liquid courage" to start off his day (strike 2). My "trainer" went to pull her car around because since I was "in training" we were supposed to car pool so she could show me the ropes. Her car was full of old beer cans and red cups and cigarette butts. It was the most disgusting thing. I would have been embarrassed to have anyone in my car like that. At part of me wanted to just leave right then and there but I decided to stick it out because I was still getting paid for this. The lady and her husband (who also worked there) were the most unprofessional people I ever met in my life. They were cursing the whole time and between the two of them smoked about 7 packs in one day (strike 3).

What the boss had failed to mention during the interview was that this job was nothing but being a glorified door to door salesperson. Literally, we went from business to business trying to sell people discounted items from IHOP and other businesses. It was so stupid the whole time I kept thinking who in their right mind wants to buy something from us when they are at their own jobs trying to make money??? The couple who were "training me" were horrible. They kept stopping to get gas every ten minutes which I really found to be a smoke break and he left the car running while getting the gas (strike 4). The only thing that kept me going was the thought that I was getting paid for this.

Finally, the day was over and we met back at the main office for debriefing or whatever you want to call it. The boss asked if we sold anything and we told her only one item. She said ok you two will split those earnings and hopefully you'll do better next tomorrow.....excuse me??? (FYI, the item cost $20 so that means I would only get $10) I didn't spend all day with these dirty trailer trash people just to get $10, so I asked her about it. "Oh, yea this is a commission based job, and you'll only get $5 today because I split that cost too. I forgot to tell you that" (strikes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, all the strikes).

She forgot? I was about to forget who I was and cuss out everyone in the room at that point because the boss had clearly gone over the hourly pay and training pay with me during the interview and this was not mentioned at all. Needless to say I could see why there were so many people quitting this job. It wasn't a job at all. If anything it was like prostitution...you know going out doing all the dirty work for the pimp and coming back and handing over your money. Although this "business" was legit I was through right then and there......

Ever since then things have been going down hill. I couldn't find a job after graduation and couldn't get the apartment so I had to move back home. Which isn't very fun at all. I had been so used to being on my own for the past 4 years it was so hard to adjust back to having rules and not being able to do things my own way.

Nothing seems to go right here either. All my friends are miles away and there's rarely anyone to hang out with or talk to and I'm too broke to go see them and it's extremely frustrating and lonely. I feel like I'm living in the land of the lost because all my "plans" went south in a hurry. No job, no money, no friends. I struggle daily trying to find something to do with myself and it's very miserable.

But I try desperately to keep positive and hopefully things will start looking up soon.